Monday, June 1, 2009

The Counter-intuitive nature of making up



Recently, I saw a report on TV about the impact the current economic crisis is having on marriages and families. The focus of the report was the attempts being made by men and women who had recently ended their relationships to get back together with their ex.

Hey, Ive been there. I've tried the "I will change" approach, with a dash of "you're the only one who makes me happy" routine. Of course I threw in the flowers, jewelry, 'going on a date' ingredients in the mix, and baked it all (on high) in the oven of "the logic of staying together."

It didn't work. And, frankly, I'm thankful for it!
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While it is possible that all the usual approaches I just mentioned may yield positive results, more than likely, they won't. At least not for the long term. This is not rocket science: if the usual "YOU" led to a breakup, an unknown, inexperienced and new "YOU" just won't know what to do.

Think about it. Most breakups are the result of a process or series of events rather than just a one-time thing. This begs the question: Would changing to what, how, and who your ex thinks you should be really bring happiness to you both? Doubtful. Yet, this seems to be the preferred method for trying to salvage the relationship.

Those of us who have managed to salvage broken relationships (and make it stick) know it takes quite a bit of work, letting go of your ego (or most of it) and willingness to accept some harsh realities, which is another way of saying: change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

The fact remains that the real secret to salvaging a relationship is not much of a secret, but it is 'counter intuitive.' Even that last statement comes with the following qualifier: your current intuition about how things can get back to normal is not your real intuition, but your ego. I know this may be a hard pill to swallow, but it is one of those "harsh realities" I mentioned earlier.

By your ego I mean the "should be", "should have", "ought to" thoughts racing through your head in the midst of your sadness. Yet, deep inside you, there is a voice that can tell you how to find happiness. That is your REAL intuition.

When you add the stress of external circumstances to the mix (like an economic meltdown) it may just be time to seek external help. But even this (in my opinion) should be a counter-intuitive move. Many troubled couples will subject to "marriage or couple's counseling." Again, it is possible that, with time, this approach may yield positive results. But what if you want result now?

We do live in a society that encourages and rewards instant gratification. In my opinion, this is not an all-together bad thing. The problem arises when the searching for instant gratification gets your life out of balance. Yet, wanting to be happy right now is not a bad pursuit.

If you are willing to change your state of being to that of being happy, your path to salvaging your relationship gets a lot easier to walk. How do you change your state of being? Declare it. Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and enthusiatically anounce that you choose to be happy. Declare that you intend to be happy, now. Repeat it as often as you can. Then notice how you feel. Do it again, and again, and...well, you get the idea. Just keep it up.
Your ex does not want to be with an 'unhappy' YOU. Nor does he/she want to be unhappy! Here's some good news: have you heard the saying "misery loves company"? Well, happiness adores company.

Now, there are some things (actions) you will have to do to let your ex know about the new, happy YOU. This post is intended to get you going, not to hold your hand in a step by step process. So, may I suggest you visit the following web site, register, and get more info? Here it is: